Collaborative Practice Marin
How to Increase the Cost of Your Divorce


Many people recognize that if they “lawyer up” by hiring the most litigious attorneys that they are asking to have a very expensive adversarial divorce.  Saving money is one of the reasons (but hopefully not the only reason) people often choose to do a collaborative or mediated divorce.  Yet, even in these non-adversarial processes, the attitudes you adopt and the actions you take can make a modest-cost divorce into a much more expensive one.

Behaviors that increase costs:

  • Being impatient with the process - because impatience actually slows the process down
  • Trying to wrest control of the process from the professionals you have hired to help you
  • Procrastinating on getting your homework done
  • Cancelling appointments at the last minute
  • Showing up at meetings without the information and documents you were asked to bring
  • Refusing to get the emotional support you need, like using a divorce coach or therapist, to navigate this very emotional time in your life
  • Listening to “street talk” from your friends and family rather than relying on your divorce professionals
  • Breaking trust by taking unilateral action regarding your assets that will surprise and scare your spouse
  • Withholding information after requests to produce it

Attitudes that increase costs:

  • Focusing on the past and trying to even the score in your divorce
  • Trying to get paid back for your past compromises in the relationship
  • Diminishing and blaming your spouse repeatedly during the process
  • Needing to be seen as being and doing things all “right” and your spouse as all “wrong”
  • Refusing to acknowledge that you also contributed to the breakdown of the marriage
  • Seeking revenge and wanting to punish your spouse
  • Focusing on what you don’t want instead of getting clarity on what you do want
  • Engaging in tit-for-tat – going low when your spouse goes low
  • Refusing to see that your spouse has a legitimate perspective
  • Thinking that if you see your spouse’s perspective that you have to give up your own

You always have a choice about what actions you take and the mindset you adopt.  The choices you make will impact how long your divorce takes and the final cost.  If you are feeling very reactive and overwhelmed, then seek out a divorce coach or therapist to support you through the emotional currents of the divorce process. 

Nancy J. Foster, J.D. is an attorney-mediator, trainer and Exec. Director of the Northern California Mediation Center in San Rafael.   

Photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

Do I Need a Premarital Agreement?

 

            A very frequent question I am asked in my practice is do I need premarital (or sometimes referred to as a Prenuptial) Agreement.  A premarital agreement can be important to someone for a variety of different reasons.  The first important aspect of deciding whether you want or need a premarital agreement, is to understand what such an agreement can accomplish and address.  A premarital agreement can address things like:

 

•           how you are going to treat assets and debts that each of you bring into a marriage (examples include real property, retirement assets, inheritance, student loans, support you pay for a prior relationship); 

 

•           how you want to treat assets your earn or are gifted to you during the marriage (this can include compensation, bonuses, stock option grants, inheritance, etc.);

 

•           how you are going to pay your day to day bills;

 

•           do you want to pay each other spousal support (or do you want to limit it in some way);

 

•           do you want to provide for each other in your estate plans;

 

•           do you want to make gifts to each other;

 

            A premarital agreement can be a very positive experience for a couple when it is approached openly and collaboratively.  The objective of a premarital agreement, in my view, should be to address both parties needs and concerns going into their marriage in a way that allows a couple to (1) start their lives together with a solid foundation of being able to talk to each other about difficult topics and (2) find their own solutions.  Often, people's needs and concerns arise from their past experiences (fears that arise from their parents bad divorce, their own bad divorce, or pressure from their families). 

 

            My feeling is that a premarital agreement should be something that is created together, addressing your respective needs and concerns, and reflecting who you are as individuals as well as who you want to be as a couple starting your lives together.  Such an agreement can help a couple set their expectations going into their marriage and allow them each to express how they visualize their marital partnership.

 

            If you decide you do want a premarital agreement, your next step would be to meet with a family law professional to talk about how to best go about creating a premarital agreement and the different processes and professionals you can utilize to help you.


Lissa Rapoport is a family law attorney in San Francisco and Marin County.  lrapoport@lpslaw.com

Photo Credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.



Has Collaborative Divorce Resolution Reached the Tipping Point?


You are faced with an enormous initial decision when you face divorce.  Unless you choose otherwise, litigation is the default.  However, more and more couples are choosing to divorce without going to court, by mediating or collaborating.  Collaborative Law is rapidly becoming the norm, as Gary Direnfeld, LCSW, writes in his blog:

For years, family law litigators were the go to persons to facilitate the distribution of property, support obligations and the plan of care for children of the relationship between separating couples.

Mediation was always a distant alternative to the go to of family law litigators and hence the moniker, alternate dispute resolution.

Beginning the in the early 1990’s and gathering a head of steam into the new millennium and now an unstoppable force, Collaborative Law is biting the heels of mediation.

However, when looking at Google searches, Collaborative Law and Mediation combined as so called alternate dispute resolution solutions are closing in quickly on the family law litigators. As of Sunday, February 21, 2016, Google searches revealed:

Family law litigator: 35,600,000 hits.
Collaborative Law: 12,500,000 hits.
Family law mediation: 21,000,000 hits.

Given the head of steam rising from mediation and Collaborative Law, I would predict that they soon will surpass family law litigation, at least in terms of combined Google hits.

When Mediation and Collaborative Law surpasses family law litigation, which will then be deemed alternate and interestingly, Australia has long since deemed the so-called alternate dispute resolution solutions primary, at least since 1975.

This change in approach to dispute resolution is no minor thing. Given the rise of the so-called alternatives, people at the same time are becoming increasingly aware of the ravages of litigation particularly contrasted against the less costly and more peacemaking outcomes of mediation and Collaborative Law.

It may not just be a sea-change in terms of how people seek to resolve family conflict, but the sea change might also spell the death knell for litigation. Oh sure, there will always be those few who march towards court, but even there, couples are increasingly redirected to resolving matters in the hallowed halls outside the courtroom only returning to have their mediated agreements converted into orders for enforcement purposes. Many are realizing that they may as well begin where they are likely to end up – in mediation, even if going to court.

There’s a definite change a’coming. Indeed it’s here. The only question now is the depth of change and whether litigation will actually survive.

Are you looking to resolve a family dispute. Get with the times. Look at mediation and Collaborative Law.

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Dundas and Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. http://www.yoursocialworker.com

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

How Do We Divide Up Our Stuff in Our Divorce?

People often become paralyzed when it comes to dividing their personal property (household furniture, furnishings, sentimental items such as wedding gifts, photos, children's artwork, etc.).  It is certainly one of the harder issues to contend with for families that are separating their homes because often there is much emotion attached to items accumulated during the course of a relationship.    

            While there are many ways to divide these items, if it is possible and manageable for them, it may be in their best interest both emotionally and financially to try to find a way to divide these items themselves rather than pay their professionals to become involved.  I have seen many families navigate these issues constructively and thoughtfully when given a structure that works for them. 

            People often find the issue of how to value items challenging as well.  It is often very difficult to put an economic value on emotional attachments.  From a legal perspective, the value is generally thought to be what they could reasonably expect to get for an item at a garage sale or on Craig's List.  

            The first step for couples is often to create a comprehensive inventory of the items that need to be discussed and divided.  Sometimes these lists can be created together.  In the alternative, each person can create their own list.  If one person has been out of the family residence for a period to time, they may need to go into the residence to refresh their memory in order to create their inventory.  It is also helpful to identify items that either person may feel are their "separate property" (either owned prior to the relationship or gifted during the relationship).  Also, if each person can identity the items they wish to retain and the items they do not wish to retain, often this can reduce the items that require discussion.  

            As to any items that require discussion, if after thoughtful discussion an agreement cannot be reached, when all else fails, a tried and true method that people can utilize is alternating selection until all items have been allocated.  There are also creative ways to address some of the more emotional issues.  For example, parents can create a sharing agreement that allows them to retain certain sentimental items related to their children with an agreement that the items "belong" to the children and will be returned to the children at some point.  Photos, videos and artwork are also often a difficult issue.  Today there are many ways to copy such items so that each person can retain copies of these items.  At the end of the day your "stuff" is an important part of a separation or dissolution and should be treated thoughtfully.


Lissa Rapoport is a consensual dispute resolution attorney with offices in San Francisco and San Rafael.

Photo credit: Ann Buscho, PhD.


My Wife Had an Affair—Do I Have to Pay Her Alimony When We Divorce?

Your feelings around your spouse’s infidelity are natural, understandable and important.  Feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, shock, rage, and grief are to be expected when one’s partner has been unfaithful.  Your feelings around the affair, whatever they may be, are in the room while we are negotiating, and we have to acknowledge and deal with them if the negotiations are to go smoothly.   Your feelings are important to you—so if we ignore your feelings, you will feel like something vital to you is not being addressed.

At the same time, because California is a no-fault state, it is important to remember that it is not the purpose of legal solutions to remedy emotional wrongs.  When it comes to spousal support, also called alimony, the law is concerned with questions such as the recipient’s need and the payor’s ability to pay, not whether the recipient deserves support on account of his or her past behavior.  That is not to say that your feelings about the affair are not important.  Rather, it is a question of how and where to deal with those feelings.

Our approach to dispute resolution in a divorce provides you and your spouse a safe place in which you can voice your feelings and feel heard by the other.  By addressing your feelings directly, you and your spouse create the possibility of an emotional resolution—whether that is an explanation, an apology, forgiveness, or just being heard—something the law cannot provide.  In this way all of your concerns—legal, financial, and emotional can be meaningfully addressed.


Steve Sulmeyer, J.D., Ph.D. is a divorce coach and mediator in Marin County.  steve@stevesulmeyer.com


Photo Credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D. 

Can a Divorce Team Save You Money?

You made the very serious personal decision to terminate your marriage. This decision necessarily takes you to the procedure known as divorce (AKA Dissoluiton of Marriage in the Court).

You found yourself an attorney who discusses the different processes with you that can be used to divide assets and debts, set a child sharing plan, and set support. You say, “We don’t want to go to court – we just want to settle.”

The Collaborative Family Law model provides the most complete and efficient process to meet your goal. The hallmarks of the Collaborative Law divorce process are an agreement from everyone at the outset to exclude all court proceedings, and engage the services of various professionals, known as “the team” to assist in the resolution of all issues.

Why is a “team” needed? Why do we need a team just to get a divorce? If you don’t have any assets, income or children, then you don’t need a team and you can stop reading. If you do have any of these, I encourage you to continue.

ALL parties in a divorce in California no matter what process is used are mandated by law to exchange Preliminary Declarations of Disclosure. It means each side must provide in writing to the other a disclosure of all assets and debts. There is considerable debate regarding the extent and specificity required, but the goal of the law of disclosure is to adequately inform both sides before decisions are made regarding dividing assets and liabilities.

The main advantage to having one neutral financial person as part of a Collaborative team is that you deal with just one individual working to provide fair and accurate information to both parties in a divorce. Both parties provide financial information to the single financial expert. He or she verifies and organizes it, and reports the information in an understandable form to both parties and their counsel. Everyone is on the same page.

In comparison, in many “litigated” cases, a joint expert is not retained at the outset of a case, and after a great deal of increased animosity, distrust and anxiety, not to mention expense, the parties either reach the point of a joint expert or continue to battle each other with their own expensive experts – two instead of one.

Many times even the most sophisticated party in a divorce may be surprised to learn some information in the exchange. For example, husbands and wives can be wrong about how title is held on a property, whether something is community property or not, or the true value of a given asset. Clear, organized information such as this is essential to the parties in a divorce to reach reasonable and informed solutions.

The independent financial specialist also assists in determining the true income of both parties and the relative expenses for separate households going forward. Compensation packages for W-2 earners as well as the self employed have become increasingly complex with the proliferation of compensation such as Restricted Stock/Units, Performance Restricted Stock, Stock Options, claw back provisions, insider trading rules, irregular bonus payouts, profit distributions, 401K and profit sharing plans. Employment benefits can impact both asset division as well as ongoing income available for support. Self employed individuals often have unrealistic opinions of their worth or income.

The parties and their respective counsel need accurate, efficient documents and information in order to adequately educate and advise the parties as to the best solution and informed decisions for their particular case.

Even more important than the financial considerations in a divorce is the attention needed to preserve the best interest of the children. A child specialist can be the most valuable person on the Collaborative team.

First, the children need to be assured early and often that the separation of the parents is not the fault of the child. The child may be in need of therapy that neither parent is able to recognize or facilitate because of his or her own emotional upheaval. The child needs a neutral place to discuss his or her input and even vent, without fear of recrimination from a parent. Children of different ages have different needs and concerns.

All of this can be discussed with the parents and the child specialist in a safe and calm situation in order to reach a suitable, workable family child sharing plan. Every mental health expert agrees that continued animosity and conflict between the parents in divorce renders harm to the children from which they never recover. The Collaborative team, with the help of the child specialist, has the best chance of avoiding this tragedy.

If parents are unable to agree regarding the sharing of the children in a litigated divorce case in court, the family frequently undergoes a costly custody evaluation process and may have their own “expert” to review the work of the expert conducting the evaluation. Once again, you have the potential for three experts instead of one, as well as counselors and therapists, coming in at a much later stage of the proceedings after further polarization of the parties and damage to the children. The structure of the Collaborative team and process can “put everyone in the same room” from the beginning of the process.

Equally important to the team are the coaches for each of the adults. Divorce is one of the most emotional processes a person can go through in a lifetime. Everyone can use assistance from time to time for insight and balance while dealing with the inevitable feelings of loss, uncertainty, fear, anger and overall anxiety. Your attorney is not a psychologist. It is the duty of the attorney to maintain as much objectivity as possible in order to advise the client in the decision making process, and the individual coaches are a tremendous assistance in facilitating the parties to reach resolution.

With a professional Collaborative team in place from the outset of a divorce, you will be provided information, organization, support, advice and assistance for the entire family in the transition process for the best possible solutions. Otherwise, you may end up with a team or two anyway, but in a courtroom instead of a conference.

 

Win Heiskala is a family law attorney in San Diego. She graciously allowed CPM to repint her blog piece, and can be contacted at http://www.blsapc.com/ 

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

The Law--Is it the Elephant in the Room?

One of the first things people want to know when they are seriously thinking about a divorce is – what does the law say?  I often hear “I want to be fair, but I don’t know what fair is.”  People tend to think the law will determine what is fair.  However, when they hear what the law says, it often seems unfair to at least one if not both of them.   Even when people want to follow the law, it is not always clear. 

In a litigated divorce, when the law is “gray” rather than “black and white,” arguing about how it should be applied or interpreted can drive up costs.  In addition, many other variables come in to play, such as – who is the judge, who are the respective attorneys, what is the amount of money available to spend on arguing, etc.  Furthermore, issues and circumstances that are really important to people are often deemed irrelevant under the law, so they never get discussed nor argued.

 In client-centered processes, like Collaborative divorce or mediation, the law only has as much power as the people choose to give it.  Clients get to decide what role the law will play in their divorce.  They are free to use it for some purposes and to ignore it for others.  Whenever the law is introduced, however, it can feel very powerful and can easily take over. The law can be like an elephant in the room - taking up all the space and sucking up all the air.  So, in Collaborative divorce, we take care to work with the clients about when and how the law will be introduced in the process.  Clients may find the law useful to understand the reasoning underlying the law, the standards of society expressed in the law, and to compare their potential agreements against what they could expect in the legal marketplace.  Knowing all this often helps the clients to make their own customized agreements.  

What else, apart from the law, can people look to for help in making decisions in their divorce?  They may want to consider:  1) agreements they may have made with each other during their marriage, either verbally or in writing, that they want to honor,  2) their individual needs and interests that are important to them, 3)  the needs and interests of other people, such as their children, other family members, friends and colleagues, 4) basic financial realities: what the law provides may not fit their situation, 5)  something that happened in their relationship they may want to honor or account for, and 6) any other factor that is important to one or the other.  Thus, the law is only one of seven reference points for making decisions in a Collaborative divorce. 

The goal for most clients in a Collaborative divorce is to reach a mutually acceptable durable resolution.  An agreement is not durable, or lasting, if a person realizes some years later that they never would have made such an agreement if they had known then what the law provided.  So, Collaborative attorneys want to educate the clients about the law at some point in the process, but will take guidance from the clients as to how and when to introduce it.  Instead of the law being “elephant-size,” we want to “people-size” it.  Then, clients can customize their decisions to fit their particular situation, needs, and interests. 

Nancy J. Foster, J.D. is a mediator, Collaborative divorce attorney, trainer and Executive Director of the Northern California Mediation Center in San Rafael, CA. See more at www.ncmc-mediate.org.

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

Keeping Kids Out of the Conflict During Divorce

Everyone knows that kids should be protected from their parents’ conflicts.  It’s tough to do this when emotions run high, and you are hurting and angry.  When you are in so much pain, you may turn to your children for comfort or support, or you may want to tell them the “truth” about the other parent.  So why is this such a bad idea? 

Kids who are caught in the middle of their parents’ conflict and divorce have worse outcomes than those whose parents prioritize a “child-centered divorce.”  A search on Google brings up many references to the term, a “child-centered divorce.”  There are helpful websites and blogs that advocate for a peaceful (out of court) resolution of the divorce, and a parenting plan that prioritizes the needs of the children.

This means that kids whose parents stay angry and hostile have more emotional and behavior problems that last into adulthood.  The good news is that kids whose parents are able to move beyond the conflict have a good chance at success in life, in school, their relationships, future positive mental health.  

Many parents going through divorce have told me that their children are “fine”; that they are “resilient,” but my experience as a child therapist has taught me something different.  In the privacy of the therapy office, children talk about their parents’ arguments, their worries about money, the accusations of betrayal or their fears about the future.  Because kids worry about their parents, they often cope by trying to look better than they really feel.  Inside they may be deeply pained but unable to talk to their parents when they see how much their parents are suffering.  They intuitively sense that their parents have enough to worry about, or that their parents need to see the children as fine.

So why keep your kids out of the middle?  For their own mental health, they need to love both of you, and if they feel caught in the middle, they may feel they have to choose between you.  This is damaging to children.  Your children know that they have a part of each of you in them, and if they turn against a parent, it is as if they are turning against a part of themselves. 

What happens when kids are caught in the middle?  They feel like they are caught in a terrible tug-of-war.  They may feel they need to determine who is at fault, or what is “fair.”  They may feel burdened by their parents’ emotions and not able to express their own.  They may begin to regress, shut down, or act out.  Teens and young adult children of divorcing parents may try to get involved in the divorce process itself, in unhealthy ways, by trying to mediate, or judge, or advocate for particular outcomes.  And this distracts them from focusing on their own lives in healthy ways. 

Here are some ways to protect your kids:

  1. Don’t speak badly of the other parent.  Don’t blame them, criticize or complain about them.  If you’re a kid, this hurts!  Seek out your friends or a therapist if you need to vent or complain.
  2. Don’t ask your kids to take sides.  Ask yourself if you are doing so, even in subtle ways, and remind yourself that it is healthier for your kids to love both parents.
  3. Don’t send messages or paperwork with the kids when they go to their other parent.  Keep the divorce business well away from them.
  4. Don’t talk about the divorce business, about the meetings, the financial settlement details or division of property.  Legal talk is painful for kids to hear and distracts them from being able to focus on their job—to be kids. 
  5. Don’t have difficult conversations with your spouse when the kids are being transferred from one of you to the other parent. Keep these out of earshot and private.  You would be surprised about how much your kids actually already hear and know.
  6. Don’t ask your kids to keep secrets from their other parent. 
  7. Don’t use your kids as your confidantes.  You need adults to turn to for support.  Connect with friends, family, a divorce support group or a therapist.
  8. Don’t ask your kids about your spouse’s personal life, like if s/he is dating.
  9. Don’t restrict your kids’ time with their other parent because you are mad at your spouse. 

Here some things you can do to help your kids stay out of the middle of the conflict:

  1. Minimize the disruptions to the kids’ routines as much as possible.
  2. Make sure both parents stay involved with your kids.  Make sure they have frequent and ongoing contact with both of you.
  3. Provide frequent reassurance.  The divorce isn’t their fault—they didn’t cause it, and they can’t change it.
  4. Focus on their growth and healthy change as they adapt and adjust to the new family structure.  It can help some kids to say “We are still one family, under two roofs.”
  5. Model respect for their other parent. 
  6. Let the children continue to be kids.  Maintain their play dates and other activities as much as possible.
  7. Imagine the story you want your children to tell about their parents’ divorce, and know that every day you are helping them to construct that story.
  8. Create a parenting plan that minimizes the potential for conflict.  By creating and committing to a set of default decisions, together with your spouse, the potential conflict will be minimized.
  9. Seek professional help if necessary, with or without your ex.

Remember that the divorce is a problem to be solved by you and your spouse, the adults, and your kids will benefit from knowing that their parents will continue to parent them together, even if they are living under two roofs.  Take the time to work with a professional, if necessary, to resolve your grievances with your spouse so that your children don’t carry the burden of bitterness and grief into their future.  Thousands of kids go through divorce with their families, but you can help them to overcome the challenges, become more stress-resistant, resilient, and flexible, by keeping them out of the middle of the divorce.  One to two years after a “child-centered” divorce, most kids are on track and healthy.

--Ann Buscho, Ph.D. is a Collaborative Divorce Coach and psychologist in Marin County.

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

The Benefits of a Neutral Vocational Consultant

A neutral vocational consultant can be a huge benefit to those going through a Collaborative Divorce.  Oftentimes one spouse has stayed home to raise the children or for any number of reasons has been out of the labor market for an extended period of time.  It may be financially or emotionally necessary for that spouse to return to employment at some point in the future.

A neutral vocational consultant can evaluate the stay-at-home spouse's transferable skills, interests, medical issues (if any), education, and formal training.  The vocational consultant can then offer advice related to the current labor market and the necessary steps to be taken to position oneself to return to satisfying employment.

Sometimes, all that an unemployed or underemployed spouse may need is a revamp of a resume or open-ended vocational counseling.  Perhaps one might need assistance with informational interviewing.

In other instances, verifiable labor market research can be conducted by the consultant by contacting employers, recruiters, schools, and identifying available job openings in the spouse's area of interest.  It may be that experience can be obtained through an internship or short-term temporary positions.  The end result of the consultant's work is a roadmap for the unemployed or underemployed spouse to determine what is needed to update skills for a particular vocational goal.  The consultant can provide the costs and timelines.

There are other vocational resources in the community, such as Career One Stop Centers, which provide job seeking skills workshops and job club programs free of charge.  The federal government funds these centers.  There is also a site known as GFClearnfree.org, where one can study various computer tutorials at no charge.

In conclusion, a neutral vocational consultant is a valuable resource for any number of services that an individual may need to enter or reenter the workforce.

Ms. Rachel Hawk, CRC, ABVE has a Master's Degree in Rehabilitation Counseling. She has worked in her field for over thirty years and has an office at The Collaborative Practice Center in Santa Rosa, CA. http://www.vocationalexperts.com

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

How to Tell Your Kids About Your Upcoming Divorce or Separation

Once you are certain that you and your spouse will be separating or divorcing, it is critical to think about how, and when, to talk to your children.  Children may remember this conversation very vividly, and these guidelines will help you prepare yourselves to demonstrate that – as a family – you’re going to meet their needs and answer their questions. 

1.    Work with your spouse to plan what you will say.

For the sake of your children, put aside the hurt and anger you may be feeling, so that you can make decisions together about the details you’ll need to tell your children. If it’s extremely difficult to speak with one another, consider using the services of a mediator or counselor, or invite someone you both trust to help you work out the details.

2.   Talk to your children together.

This lets your kids know that you’re both able to work together for their benefit. It’s important that each child hear this news together, and directly from mom and dad; not from the sibling who heard it first. So if your kids are different ages, plan to share the basic information at the initial gathering, and follow-up with the older children during a separate conversation.  If you can’t do it together because you are concerned about safety or conflict, then seek help in developing your plan.

3.   Develop a non-blaming narrative.

If you are calm when you tell your children, they will have less anxiety and are more likely to anticipate that they will be ok.  Avoid the temptation  to assign blame or say whose “fault” this is. To the extent that you can, try to incorporate the word “we” when you’re explaining the decisions that have been made.  You may feel that you want your children to know the “truth” but if this will cause your children to feel caught in a loyalty bind, it isn’t healthy for them.  The “truth” is less important than providing the support and reassurance that your children need.

4. Provide a General Reason for What is Happening.

It is not important, or even appropriate, that you provide specific details about why you are planning a divorce. However, your kids will want to know why this is happening. Older children will recognize that this is a huge life change, and they will weigh that change against the reason you give them. So while you don’t want to share details of a personal nature, be prepared to give some type of general explanation without blame.

5. Provide Specific Details About the Changes Your Kids Can Expect.

Your kids will want to know where they’re going to live, with whom, and what about their lives is going to change. You can help your children to be prepared for these changes by being honest about what you know, and what you don’t know.  Reassure them about the things that will stay the same: their school, or friends, or sports or other activities.

6. Provide Specific Details About the Parent Who is Leaving the Home.

The more you can tell your kids about where the departing parent will be living and when they will be seeing him or her, the better. They’ll need to know, right away, that they will be able to maintain a quality relationship with this parent, even though they won’t be living under the same roof.  If they will be living in two homes, give them some time to establish a comfortable space at the new home. 

7. Reassure the Children of Your Unconditional Love.

Your children will need lots of reassurance that the divorce is not their fault. Specifically tell them that nothing they did could have caused - nor prevented - what is happening. In addition, make sure both parents collectively and individually convey their unconditional love through words and actions. Avoid making long-range promises about an uncertain future. Instead, stick with the assurances you can make for the present time and be generous in sharing your hugs and affection.  It is fine for the children to see you upset or cry, and it is important to reassure them that everyone in the family will adjust to the changes and heal.

8. Be Sensitive to How the Kids React to This News.

What you’re telling them may be completely unexpected, and will most assuredly change their lives. Try to be as understanding of no reaction – which is a reaction – as you would be if the children were in tears or extremely angry. Your children may not know how to express their intense emotions appropriately, and it may be some time before they can articulate their feelings.

9. Welcome Their Questions.

Most likely, the children will have many questions. To the extent that you can, be honest and clear in your responses. If you don’t know the answer to a question, tell them that.  Reassure them that as you and your spouse figure things out, that you will inform the children.  Also, realize that this conversation will unfold in many parts. After you’ve told the children about the divorce or separation, expect to revisit the topic many times as new questions and concerns arise.

10. Give Them Time to Adjust to the News.

It will take time for your children to adjust to this news. It is a huge change, and while you may be confident in the hopeful future you envision for them, it will take some time for them to see that future play out. In the meantime, be patient with their needs and make the effort to be a steady presence in their lives.

--adapted from various sources by Ann Buscho, Ph.D., a divorce coach and psychologist in San Rafael, CA.

For more information, click here to read “What Should We Tell the Children?” by Joan Kelly, Ph.D.  http://tiny.cc/1f9iax

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.


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About Collaborative Practice Marin

CPM is a community of legal, mental health and financial professionals working together to create client-centered processes for resolving conflict.  We are located in Marin County, California. 

Why Collaborative Divorce?

“Divorce is never easy but the collaborative process made mine bearable.  I had more control and therefore less stress and anxiety because I had an active role.”

~JF

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