Collaborative Practice Marin
Why, and When, Should We Create a Collaborative Pre-marital Agreement ("Pre-Nup")


               When couples marry in California, there are laws that automatically apply to their assets and income. For instance, income received as a result of either spouse’s labor, skill and efforts is community property and belongs to the marital partnership. Assets owned prior to marriage or received during marriage as a gift or inheritance is separate property unless it increases in value during the marriage due to either spouse’s efforts.

               These default rules can be changed in a premarital agreement. The process for creating such a contract is an important consideration. The relationship needs to be valued and the communication about financial topics facilitated to encourage open and heart felt discussions about the terms to be included. Instead of having a proposed premarital agreement prepared by one client’s attorney and delivered to the other client, in a collaborative process the couples and both attorneys work together to develop a Premarital Agreement. The process should be commenced well before the intended wedding date to assure the topics can be considered thoughtfully without any pressure related to timing.

               Collaborative practitioners begin the premarital agreement process with a meeting between the prospective spouses and drafting attorneys where we learn together about the clients’ personal and professional backgrounds, as well as their goals for their marriage as a couple and as individuals. Full disclosure of all assets, obligations and income is required regardless of process. During the meeting, we review each person’s financial information and ask questions to ensure understanding. A review of what California law provides is given so those rights and responsibilities are known. Then we identify topics to be included in the document and brainstorm options for solutions. After all possible options are identified, each is evaluated to determine viability and connection to the clients’ marital goals and interests. If consensus about the terms is reached, the attorneys will then prepare a draft agreement for review. If the couple needs time to further reflect on the options together, another meeting is scheduled to hear the results of this conversation. After the draft is read by all, there is a final discussion to confirm the document is understood and consistent with the couple’s intent.


Susan Stephens Coats is certified as a Specialist in Family Law by the State Bar of California Board of Legal Specialization.  http://www.collaborativepracticemarin.org/members/Coats


Photo Credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.


What if I Want my Children to Know That I Did Not Want a Divorce?

Oftentimes, collaborative family professionals and child therapists encourage parents to speak in one voice when discussing divorce with their children.

Children do best when they feel loved and cared for by both parents.

It is certainly true that if one parent decides the marriage is no longer workable, the couple ceases to be able to continue as before. Therefore a statement such as “mom and dad tried to make our relationship work but were unable to…” conveys a true fact.

Yet, if you did not want the divorce, you may still feel the desire to tell your children that this big change in their lives was not your fault. This may reflect your desire for them to know that “I am not the one who caused your pain.”  Or perhaps, it may derive from not wanting your children to grow up with the belief that if you start something you can always quit if it gets too difficult. You may also want your children to know you, your values, and your dreams for them.

As with many other sensitive issues in life, parents make decision on what they tell their children based on their age, development, temperament, interest and capacity to understand.

Most parents strive to protect their children from adult issues and concerns in order to not overwhelm them or introduce them to the adult world too soon.

Consulting with a child professional will assist you in determining how to best speak to your child. 



Jay Stone Rice, Ph.D., MFT, is a Coach and Child Specialist in Marin County.

Photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.


5 Common Experiences of Coping with the Aftermath of Divorce

 

Well. It’s done. The Collaborative paperwork is signed; the dissolution is complete. You can now safely say the words, “I’m divorced.” My guess is, this outcome is not exactly what you had in mind when you married your spouse all those years ago. The clinking of the champagne glasses on your wedding day once a blissful memory, now only conjures up heartache.

 As sadness creeps into the deepest part of your mind, only to be noticed by you, fear looms - what is next? Anger then races in to emotionally protect you against feeling pain. Thank you anger. It’s a lot easier having you around than pain.

 I don’t know your path or your journey to this moment in time. I don’t know your pain. However, I am here to tell you that you are not the first and you are not alone. As social beings, we all share common experiences, thoughts and ideas. Through these shared histories and ways of being, we can unite with others and feel less lonely, more understood, and accepted. Recognizing that our pain and lost dreams are not ours alone, and that others have walked a similar path, eases the journey to wellbeing. Working through your divorce collaboratively reassures you that you have maintained your respect for yourself and each other.

 To ease your journey, cognitive behavioral therapy lends a hand in helping us examine our thoughts, and testing their truth. Here are five common thoughts and experiences people have when coping with the aftermath of a divorce:

 #1: Life’s Scorecard: “I did everything right. I don’t deserve this.”

Many of us tell ourselves, “I followed all the rules. I was a good spouse. I did my part. My story wasn’t supposed to turn out like this.” And you are right. That wasn’t the plan, but somehow, this is how it turned out. We each have an internal scorecard. The way life “should be.” And while those “shoulds” provide us with dreams and aspirations, they can also set us up for a deep sense of failure when things don’t go as planned. Ask yourself, who decided the “should?” Many people divorce, for all sorts of reasons. You have chosen to divorce because you believe there is something better for you. That is your truth. Don’t get lost in a made up scorecard.

 #2: My sense of self has changed.

After a divorce, many people feel the need to reclaim or rebuild their identity. Shopping sprees, workouts, moving cities, changing the furniture. We turn to external sources to mirror the internal shift that is happening within in us. Who am I now? How do I make sense of my story? Exploring these shifts in self and naming your movement – both externally and internally, are healthy ways of realizing your new identity. Don’t be afraid – you are growing a new skin, and that is a beautiful thing.

 #3: Shifts in friendships.

As with any major life transition (babies, death, career change), your friendships will shift. Some will come out of the woodwork in this time of need and others will distance themselves. Those who seem to disappear may be uncomfortable with your divorce, or perhaps you have shifted. This can be an awkward and scary time as our social networks adjust. To fill the void of communicating with our friends, we fill in the missing communication with our own version. Instead of “mind reading,” fact check your sources. Talk to your friends. If they are who you thought they were, they will be authentic with you too.

 #4: Big feelings show up.

After a divorce, people go through cycles of feelings, such as depression, grief and anger. During the divorce process, you Divorce Coach can help.  After the divorce these emotions are still normal; however, if you have never felt them (or not to this degree) it can be scary. Do yourself a favor and talk to someone -  a divorce support group, a therapist or a trusted friend. This may be one of the hardest times of your life. Give yourself the best care possible and secure additional support from either an expert or other source.

 #5: Anxiety over the past, over the future.

People often ask, “What could I have done differently? What if this happens again?” These questions are normal and healthy. Your mind is trying to make sense of the divorce, and how to avoid repeating the trauma. Asking yourself questions, reflecting on the past, and owning your mistakes is how we grow. Being human is not about being perfect, or getting an A+ on that “scorecard.” It’s about coming into and accepting your authentic self by growing, maturing, and reflecting.

Erika Boissiere, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in couples, relationships and marriage therapy. She is the founder of The Relationship Institute of San Francisco, http://www.trisf.com

Photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

A Brief Overview of Collaborative Law


Thank you to Brad Reid and the Huffington Post for this blog article.

Collaborate law is a variation of non-adversarial alternative dispute resolution. Specific collaborative law techniques have been discussed for about thirty years and fifteen or so states have enacted the Uniform Collaborative Law Act of 2009. While primarily focused on family law and divorce, collaborative law may be utilized in other disputes such as employment, insurance, mergers and acquisitions, or issues between family members in closely held businesses. Always consult an experienced attorney in specific situations.

In broadest overview, the parties voluntarily sign a collaborative participation agreement and are represented by attorneys whose representation ends if a traditional contested judicial proceeding begins. While participation cannot be court ordered, courts retain authority to issue emergency orders to protect health, safety, welfare, and financial interests. Attorneys must make a full disclosure of the advantages and disadvantages of collaboration in the specific situation so that a client may make an informed participation decision. There are limited institutional exceptions to the end of attorney representation when a free legal services clinic or governmental entity is involved in the collaborative representation. The parties agree to disclose all relevant and material information (although the agreement may limit the scope of disclosure) and promise to exercise good faith while negotiating. Disclosed information is deemed privileged and may not be utilized in subsequent litigation, subject to modification by the collaborative participation agreement. Exceptions to disclosure exist to prevent bodily harm or a crime, abuse or neglect of a child or adult, and to address professional misconduct or malpractice. The parties may engage appropriate professional experts to assist in the dispute resolution process. Courts may enforce an agreement that does not meet all of the formal requirements in the interest of justice when the parties intended to engage in the collaborative process.

Collaborative law, unlike arbitration under which a third party makes a binding decision, leaves the decision to the parties themselves. “Coaches” may facilitate direct communications. Unlike much alternative dispute resolution, collaborative law is pre-litigation. Hence, it may be less emotionally draining and more relationship preserving. The most serious criticisms of collaborative law center on attorney disqualification. Critics are concerned with potential attorney withdrawal at the very moment (litigation) when attorney services are most needed. An additional criticism is that collaborative law adds another layer of time and expense to disputes that end in litigation. However, attorney codes of ethics uphold the attorney withdrawal provisions and advocates of collaborative law assert that litigation rarely results at the end of a collaborative process. It is additionally asserted that privacy, control of the process by the parties themselves, and the individualized situational based aspects of the process are significant benefits.

Psychological and sociological knowledge underlies collaborative law. The following several paragraphs provide a few of many basic concepts. Fear of the collaborative process is perhaps best overcome by trust that is created by individual self-awareness and mutual self-disclosure. However, creating trust is hard work and the personal relationships may already be so damaged that trust, hence collaborative law, is impossible.

Additionally, the parties themselves may be at various points in the familiar progression consisting of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. There may be non-party individuals that have a high degree of unrecognized influence over the parties. Controlling parents, new boyfriends or girlfriends, and friend confidants are examples.

Furthermore, one must distinguish an individual’s interests, positions, and goals. Interests are concerns or matters of importance that drive persons and they may be unrecognized emotions such as sadness, anger, or shame. Skilled advocates help their clients develop self-knowledge and understanding that leads to attainable goals. Inquiring about “what you assume will happen,” “what is your expectation,” and “precisely what will that look like to you,” are recognized techniques to get beneath the surface.

Individuals may engage in irrational, self-sabotaging behaviors due to projecting their problems on others so that they avoid changing their behavior, defensive habits, creating excitement or chaos to override depression by stimulating the body’s physical chemical responses, and to acquire status or approval from others. Sometimes deeper psychopathology may be present that creates real risks of physical harm to themselves or others.

The parties must have common ground rules for negotiation and the attorneys themselves must be self-confident centered persons who are able to manage their own stress as well as the unique stressors of the particular situation. Professionals must be prepared to address such expected problem areas as an individual’s resistance to disclosing needed information or delaying the process either consciously or unconsciously.

Professionals must be able to recognize “transference” and “countertransference” when feelings are unconsciously redirected from one person to another. Self-knowledge, relying on facts not opinions, and discouraging posturing and positions are all helpful professional techniques. Initial meetings and the collaborative participation agreement set the stage for everything that follows. Common courtesy, mutual respect and constructive negotiations are vital to success. Certainly, however, collaborative law is not possible or even best under all circumstances.

Thankfully, an individual professional need not know and be everything as a collaborative team is likely. Particularly in family law and divorce situations, a variety of financial, wealth management and tax experts may be involved. Ideally the transparency of the collaborative process will allow efficient data collection and the development of and commitment to mutually beneficial financial goals and commitments. However, non-financial professional assistance in the form of child and adult therapists, addiction specialists, as well as family, friends, and clergy may be of equally important. The expectation is that professional individuals will bring their best neutral professional judgment to the process.

In broad conclusion, collaborative law is advocated as cost effective and relationship oriented and has spread globally. There are a number of professional organizations and training associations. These organizations may overlap and cooperate with family advocacy and mental health groups. Courts have been creating both local and state-wide rules to govern the collaborate process. Minimum professional training before one may practice collaborate law is frequently required. Consult an experienced attorney to determine the status of collaborative law in a particular state.

Collaborative law aligns with a recognizable movement to make legal services and dispute resolution more accessible and cost effective. Standards for attorney and non-attorney professional specialization, for example, licensed legal technicians, are developing. The “unbundling” of legal services so that attorneys are not required to personally engage in every client encounter, much like the current activities of a physician’s assistant or nurse practitioner, are the contemporary trend. Additionally, a host of specialized courts that have non-traditional powers and may grant unique remedies or divert parties to extra-judicial entities are increasing. Individual just-in-time services provided in a multidisciplinary package are coming to law. Increasingly, it appears that in the long-term the Anglo-American adversarial system of justice, while not totally replaced, will be reserved for certain unique problem areas. Even criminal law, uniquely adversarial, is not immune from these developments.

This comment provides a brief and incomplete educational overview of a complex topic and is not intended to provide legal advice. Always consult an experienced attorney and other professionals in specific situations.

Brad ReidSenior Scholar, Dean Institute for Corporate Governance and Integrity, Lipscomb University
Photo Credit: David Buscho

Has Collaborative Divorce Resolution Reached the Tipping Point?


You are faced with an enormous initial decision when you face divorce.  Unless you choose otherwise, litigation is the default.  However, more and more couples are choosing to divorce without going to court, by mediating or collaborating.  Collaborative Law is rapidly becoming the norm, as Gary Direnfeld, LCSW, writes in his blog:

For years, family law litigators were the go to persons to facilitate the distribution of property, support obligations and the plan of care for children of the relationship between separating couples.

Mediation was always a distant alternative to the go to of family law litigators and hence the moniker, alternate dispute resolution.

Beginning the in the early 1990’s and gathering a head of steam into the new millennium and now an unstoppable force, Collaborative Law is biting the heels of mediation.

However, when looking at Google searches, Collaborative Law and Mediation combined as so called alternate dispute resolution solutions are closing in quickly on the family law litigators. As of Sunday, February 21, 2016, Google searches revealed:

Family law litigator: 35,600,000 hits.
Collaborative Law: 12,500,000 hits.
Family law mediation: 21,000,000 hits.

Given the head of steam rising from mediation and Collaborative Law, I would predict that they soon will surpass family law litigation, at least in terms of combined Google hits.

When Mediation and Collaborative Law surpasses family law litigation, which will then be deemed alternate and interestingly, Australia has long since deemed the so-called alternate dispute resolution solutions primary, at least since 1975.

This change in approach to dispute resolution is no minor thing. Given the rise of the so-called alternatives, people at the same time are becoming increasingly aware of the ravages of litigation particularly contrasted against the less costly and more peacemaking outcomes of mediation and Collaborative Law.

It may not just be a sea-change in terms of how people seek to resolve family conflict, but the sea change might also spell the death knell for litigation. Oh sure, there will always be those few who march towards court, but even there, couples are increasingly redirected to resolving matters in the hallowed halls outside the courtroom only returning to have their mediated agreements converted into orders for enforcement purposes. Many are realizing that they may as well begin where they are likely to end up – in mediation, even if going to court.

There’s a definite change a’coming. Indeed it’s here. The only question now is the depth of change and whether litigation will actually survive.

Are you looking to resolve a family dispute. Get with the times. Look at mediation and Collaborative Law.

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Dundas and Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. http://www.yoursocialworker.com

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

How Do We Divide Up Our Stuff in Our Divorce?

People often become paralyzed when it comes to dividing their personal property (household furniture, furnishings, sentimental items such as wedding gifts, photos, children's artwork, etc.).  It is certainly one of the harder issues to contend with for families that are separating their homes because often there is much emotion attached to items accumulated during the course of a relationship.    

            While there are many ways to divide these items, if it is possible and manageable for them, it may be in their best interest both emotionally and financially to try to find a way to divide these items themselves rather than pay their professionals to become involved.  I have seen many families navigate these issues constructively and thoughtfully when given a structure that works for them. 

            People often find the issue of how to value items challenging as well.  It is often very difficult to put an economic value on emotional attachments.  From a legal perspective, the value is generally thought to be what they could reasonably expect to get for an item at a garage sale or on Craig's List.  

            The first step for couples is often to create a comprehensive inventory of the items that need to be discussed and divided.  Sometimes these lists can be created together.  In the alternative, each person can create their own list.  If one person has been out of the family residence for a period to time, they may need to go into the residence to refresh their memory in order to create their inventory.  It is also helpful to identify items that either person may feel are their "separate property" (either owned prior to the relationship or gifted during the relationship).  Also, if each person can identity the items they wish to retain and the items they do not wish to retain, often this can reduce the items that require discussion.  

            As to any items that require discussion, if after thoughtful discussion an agreement cannot be reached, when all else fails, a tried and true method that people can utilize is alternating selection until all items have been allocated.  There are also creative ways to address some of the more emotional issues.  For example, parents can create a sharing agreement that allows them to retain certain sentimental items related to their children with an agreement that the items "belong" to the children and will be returned to the children at some point.  Photos, videos and artwork are also often a difficult issue.  Today there are many ways to copy such items so that each person can retain copies of these items.  At the end of the day your "stuff" is an important part of a separation or dissolution and should be treated thoughtfully.


Lissa Rapoport is a consensual dispute resolution attorney with offices in San Francisco and San Rafael.

Photo credit: Ann Buscho, PhD.


Why Can’t Our Therapist Be Our Collaborative Divorce Coach?


When couples begin a divorce process, they have many questions.  During this time of transition everyone needs support to navigate the process as it unfolds.  You need support while you are making temporary plans for your children and yourself. 

If you have a relationship with your own therapist you may wonder how a separate Coach can be needed or helpful.  After all, your therapist already knows you, and perhaps also your spouse.  Why hire and pay for another mental health professional?  Here are some reasons why it is not a good idea for your therapist to take on a dual role:

  1.  Your relationship with your therapist needs to be private to be effective.  Therapy provides a place for your personal discussions and reflections on your experience.  Thoughts and feelings arise and change in the course of therapy, and one benefit of a confidential relationship with your therapist is that you have the time to sort through your feelings with care, respect and in private.
  2. Divorce Coaching provides you with emotional support to help you function at your best while you are making decisions, temporary and permanent, about your family.  You will also be thinking through your hopes, goals, concerns, and fears.  Coaching is much more focused than therapy. 
  3. Collaborative divorce is transparent, and the professionals work together for the benefit of your entire family.  To be effective, you will give permission to your coach to speak and coordinate with your attorney, your spouse’s coach and attorney, as well as any other professionals on your team.  This is extremely helpful and makes the divorce process more efficient.  When the professionals understand more fully who you are and what is important to you, it will be easier to reach resolutions that respect your concerns as well as those of your spouse or children. 
  4. Since most divorcing couples have great difficulty with communication, your Divorce Coaches work with you and your spouse to prepare for meetings.  Coaching can help you find your “voice” to communicate more effectively what matters to you—even if you have not been able to do that before.
  5. One of the most important tasks in a divorce is creating a Parenting Plan.  Your coaches will help you and your spouse consider the various issues about which you will need to make important decisions, and they will draft your parenting plan as you and your spouse make agreements together.  They can also assist you and your spouse in creating a co-parenting agreement that will best benefit your children, reduce or eliminate conflict, and help your family move on into the next chapter of your family’s life.

Elizabeth Salin, MFT, is a family therapist, Divorce Coach and Child Specialist in Marin County.

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

When Do I Introduce My Kids to My New Girlfriend/Boyfriend?

You are getting a divorce and you want to move on with your life.  You are eager to introduce your kids to your new partner, and you are wondering when is the right time. 

This is one of those questions of “What is in the children’s best interest?”  It is important to think about the child’s needs and perspective here, over your own wants and needs.

Your child(ren) are going through an unsettled time of change and transition, and they need time to process their feelings of grief and loss of the family (and maybe also the home).  They will need to work through the Elizabeth Kubler Ross “Five Stages of Grief,” denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. 

Over the next year your child(ren) will need time to re-establish stable relationships with each parent, separate from the other parent.  Some research suggests that a well-adjusted child needs one-two years to readjust after the divorce is finalized.   Children who were having a hard time before the divorce will likely need more time to adjust to the new family “under two roofs.” 

It is also important to look at this question from an attachment point of view.  How stable and long term is this new relationship?  If there is a chance of a breakup, it is unfair and unhealthy to ask the children to attach to someone only to have that person leave your life, and therefore also your children’s. 

While there is no magic number of months, waiting until the dust settles for the children and until the new relationship is committed and stable is a good idea before introducing a child to a new partner.  This can often take many months, and more often a year or two.  So patience is the name of the game in this situation.  If you try to force the meeting prematurely, you many end up creating a very difficult and stressed relationship between your new partner and your children.  Talk with your Divorce Coach or Child Specialist about when the right time would be for your children to meet your new partner.

Stefan Benton is a Divorce Coach in Marin County.  www.sbentonmft.com

Photo Credit:  Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

Out of the Mouths of Babes: This Child Tells her Parents What she Needs During their Divorce
All parents care deeply about their children's welfare, but during the stressful time of divorce there are many intense emotional ups and downs, many demanding decisions and changes to attend to, and times when it can be challenging to muster energy for the high quality parenting we know our children need.  Especially if our child is resilient and seems to be doing well enough, even the best parents sometimes get overwhelmed with their own problems and can forget that divorce up-ends the lives of our children, too. 

Take a look at this video clip of a six-year old girl explaining to her mother what she needs from her parents during their divorce.  It has gone viral on YouTube, because this child articulates so clearly how she feels and what will help her weather this big change in her life.  She doesn't only care about herself:  she expresses remarkable caring for her parents, too, and sees that handling the divorce transition well matters to the entire community and even the world.

Watch it.  Give it to your spouse.  Give it to your lawyer, too.

And remember:  interdisciplinary collaborative team divorce is the only divorce process that builds in a voice for and to the children--the Collaborative Child  Specialist--so that their perspective on the divorce can be expressed in a safe way and their needs can be understood clearly and accurately by both parents.  

Pauline H. Tesler, J.D., CFLS, is a collaborative divorce lawyer practicing in Marin and San Francisco.

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

My Wife Had an Affair—Do I Have to Pay Her Alimony When We Divorce?

Your feelings around your spouse’s infidelity are natural, understandable and important.  Feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, shock, rage, and grief are to be expected when one’s partner has been unfaithful.  Your feelings around the affair, whatever they may be, are in the room while we are negotiating, and we have to acknowledge and deal with them if the negotiations are to go smoothly.   Your feelings are important to you—so if we ignore your feelings, you will feel like something vital to you is not being addressed.

At the same time, because California is a no-fault state, it is important to remember that it is not the purpose of legal solutions to remedy emotional wrongs.  When it comes to spousal support, also called alimony, the law is concerned with questions such as the recipient’s need and the payor’s ability to pay, not whether the recipient deserves support on account of his or her past behavior.  That is not to say that your feelings about the affair are not important.  Rather, it is a question of how and where to deal with those feelings.

Our approach to dispute resolution in a divorce provides you and your spouse a safe place in which you can voice your feelings and feel heard by the other.  By addressing your feelings directly, you and your spouse create the possibility of an emotional resolution—whether that is an explanation, an apology, forgiveness, or just being heard—something the law cannot provide.  In this way all of your concerns—legal, financial, and emotional can be meaningfully addressed.


Steve Sulmeyer, J.D., Ph.D. is a divorce coach and mediator in Marin County.  steve@stevesulmeyer.com


Photo Credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D. 

Will Our Divorce Ruin Our Kids' Lives?

For most parents who decide to divorce the first concern is about not harming the children.  Maybe you went through your parents’ divorce and now you feel it negatively affected you.  Here are some points to know:

  • It can be difficult when you are going through a difficult time in your life to also have to consider that this change will be challenging to your children.  Their sadness and/or anger may be normal, but it may be especially worrisome or hard for you to deal with their feelings when you have your own painful feelings.
  • Over the past 35 years researchers have looked at how divorce impacts children over time.  And in general the research shows that children and teens, with the help and support of their parents, can be quite resilient and do well in their lives.  Divorce doesn’t have to ruin your child’s life.
  • Going through one’s parents’ divorce can certainly lead to a child’s distress and present new challenges.  However, your children’s relationships with their parents, and ongoing parental involvement in their lives contributes to your child’s ability and capacity to cope with the family changes and to move forward.  A warm nurturing relationship with each parent helps kids heal.
  • Even if the stress of your divorce is interfering with the quality of your parenting, we find that children, in the long run, can do quite well if their parents’ ability to parent recovers over the next year or two. 
  • The strength of the co-parenting relationship also can be very helpful to your children during this time and there are many resources provided in a Collaborative Divorce to optimize your co-parenting relationship, and benefit your children.  Research shows that kids do best when their parents end their own conflict and focus together on the children.
  • If you have concerns about your children, it will be important to consult a Child Specialist who can gather and provide information about your specific children and their specific needs for now and in the future.  A Child Specialist can also provide a wealth of information about the effects of divorce on kids at different ages, and how you can best support their resilience.
Andrew Lamden, LCSW, is a Collaborative Coach and Child Specialist in Marin County. http://www.collaborativepracticemarin.org/members/Lamden

Photo Credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.
How Long Will My Divorce Take? (I want to get it done fast!)

How much time will your divorce take? By the time you reach the decision to divorce, or accept your spouse’s decision, you probably want to get it done and over with! Why prolong this difficult and overwhelming process?

Well, it’s a little complicated. There are a few answers to your question.

  1. Once you and your spouse file and respond to the divorce “petition” the “clock starts running.” Legally, the soonest you can terminate marital status (finalize your divorce) is six months plus one day. The reason is that sometimes a “cooling off” period helps people decide if the divorce is what they really want. So, if you could get all the other divorce-related tasks done, then you could be divorced in six months.
  2. The reality is that divorces often take longer than six months to complete. One reason might be that you could save money in taxes by finalizing your divorce this year or next year. A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst or your CPA can help you figure out the tax consequences of waiting or finishing up sooner. You will have to file and cause your petition and summons to be “served” by the end of June to finish up this year. You would then file as a single person or head of household this year.
  3. Another reason your divorce might take longer is that your situation might be complex financially. If you have assets, debts, a business, retirement savings, pension, income from various sources such as stock options, etc., your financial situation may not be as simple as you think. A financial professional may need to help you sort it out. The law requires that you and your spouse have a full and complete understanding of your finances, and often one or the other of you needs to be “brought up to speed.”
  4. You and your spouse will need to work out a parenting plan if you have children. This important task will help your family recover and heal when the divorce is over. You both love your children, but you may have different ideas about how you will co-parent when you are in two households. It can take some time to develop a plan that fits your children’s needs, your work schedules, your life style, and more. This is not a task you should rush through, as it is an investment in your children’s future mental health, success in school, social experience and life. A divorce coach and child specialist can help, support and educate you about your children’s specific needs and how to soften the impact of the divorce on them.
  5. Delays in the divorce process are often caused by emotional factors. Conflict, arguing, uncooperative behaviors, evasive or hostile tactics will cost dearly in both time and money. Grief, sadness, anger, depression, and other emotions get in the way of making good decisions during the divorce, and this is a time when you will need to think clearly and carefully about your decisions. In fact, emotions might be the most costly part of your divorce, and it is well worth your time to do the emotional work you need to do before you begin to negotiate your divorce. A therapist or divorce coach can help. Often people turn to attorneys first, but divorce is an emotional process, more than a legal one. Find the emotional support you need before you start.

Your divorce will inevitably be a stressful event, but you will get through it. You should take the time you need to complete the divorce, without rushing through the important decisions you will need to make. If you would like it to be an efficient and less costly divorce, you can control some of the costs and time by doing these things:

  1. Be prepared emotionally. Get the support you need and take care of yourself.
  2. Prioritize your children’s needs. Your child specialist can help you with this. Work with your divorce coaches to develop a realistic parenting plan.
  3. Find a way to reduce the conflict between you and your spouse. Turn to your divorce coaches for help. Working with a divorce coach will make your divorce go much more efficiently.
  4. Be prepared for meetings. Complete the various assigned tasks required, such as collecting financial records, disclosing all financial information, and contacting any necessary outside professionals (realtors, health insurance companies, etc.).

Doing your divorce quickly is less important than doing it well. A good divorce is one that leaves you, your spouse, and your family on the path to a new, healthy, and stable life. A good divorce means that you and your spouse can continue to communicate in a friendly way, and that reduces stress for your entire family. And a good divorce is one that is emotionally and financially efficient.

--Ann Buscho, Ph.D. is a Collaborative Divorce Coach and psychologist in Marin County. http://www.collaborativepracticemarin.org/members/Buscho

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

Keeping Your Children’s Lives Going in Divorce: Ten Things You Can Do

OMG!  It is the end of April and you haven’t planned things for your children for the summer!  You may be recently separated and have been busy and overwhelmed by setting up two homes, juggling your kid’s school work and equipment, communicating with your co-parent, paying attention to homework, potty training or SAT prep.  You may be already divorced but have not set up a time to work on summer planning yet.

It is no surprise this has missed you this year.  Be gentle with yourself.  But: Note to Self – we should make sure we plan a meeting in early March next year.  Here are some tips to get you through this challenge:

1)      Don’t panic – breathe and realize that this year is a very unusual time.  Give yourself some slack for being in a complicated situation that you are adjusting to.  Divorce makes life complicated, especially when you are just going through it, or in the first year after the divorce.

2)      Take some time to think about your kids, their interests, their friends and family traditions from past years.  Start to think creatively about how a favorite family tradition could be adjusted in ways that save the event and yet acknowledge that it won’t be the way it was in years past. For example, one parent can take the kids on the camping trip, and the other takes them to the grandparents.  You could also divide a week away between the two of you, where one parent comes mid-way and the other parent leaves.

3)      The first year is most likely unique.  To take the pressure off of knowing what will always work, let yourself consider an arrangement that works just this year.  Next year you can take more time to plan, and you’ll know what worked well and what did not.

4)      Prioritize for each child and yourself what are the most important summer activities: i.e. continuing sports, art/drama/music, camps, meaningful traditions with family and friends.

5)      Remember to include the practical matters of work schedules, financial limitations, and your need to have some down time with the children and without them.

6)      Do the research to know about camp schedules, family trips, costs, and availability of friends and family for summer activities.

7)      Call, email or text your child’s other parent asking for their thoughts and ideas about the summer BEFORE you talk to your kids, buy tickets or sign them up.  Don’t commit the kids to something that affects their time with their other parent without that parent’s agreement.

8)      You and your co-parent need to decide about the general schedule for this summer as well as share what your hopes are for the kids.  If your kids have already asked about the annual family camping trip, or time with grandparents, include those activities in your discussion with your co-parent.  What are the children expecting or hoping for?  What have you already talked to them about?   What is feasible or realistic?

9)      List options to review with your kids and a timetable for decision making.  What things do the children have choices about, and what plans are not optional?

10)  Create a plan and use your family calendar to list the events.  Be sure that both parents have access to that calendar; it is an important communication tool.

As a child therapist, collaborative coach and child specialist, I have talked with many separating/divorcing families, I know this is not easy but it is possible.

Learning to organize your thoughts and feelings and communicate with your co-parent are skills to learn or refine.  Taking time for self care- taking a walk, going out in nature, connecting with good friends – these will help you recover from the inevitable times of feeling overwhelmed and help you regain your perspective and perhaps your sense of humor.

Wishing you some fun this summer.

Elizabeth Salin, MFT, is a family therapist, Divorce Coach and Child Specialist in Marin County.

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

The Positive Outcomes of Divorce

For many, the word “divorce” conjures up negative thoughts and impressions. We gasp: “what about the kids? I thought they were happy? There go the holidays.” No one wants to be part of those statistics, but many of us are or will be. So, how do we surpass the social and psychological hurdles of this transition to realize the positive outcomes of a divorce?

The decision to end your relationship and get divorced is a difficult one. The process can be fraught with emotional stress and interpersonal conflict.  To make things worse, any positive attitudes one may have related to this change are often overshadowed and dismissed as inappropriate or unhealthy. However, cognitive behavioral therapy provides us a unique insight – balancing negative thoughts alongside positive thoughts is a sign of good mental health. 

If you are considering divorce or recently divorced, here is a glimpse of the bright side of your decision:

Positive Attribute #1: Positive modeling for your children

By choosing to end an unhappy relationship, you teach your children an important life lesson: people change. Although change can be difficult, it is an integral part of our natural and social world.  By being a positive model for change, you are teaching your children how to cope in tough situations and helping them understand the complex nature of relationships.

Positive Attribute #2: Your physical health will improve

Research shows that telomeres, small areas at the end of chromosome strings protecting your DNA molecules, shorten or die off as you age or when under stress. This shortening process is associated with premature aging, cancer and a higher risk of death. However, you can reverse this process and restore these vital cells through improved lifestyle changes and healthier relationship living,

Positive Attribute #3: You will learn about yourself

It is common for people to wonder “Why me?” when considering or going through a divorce. This process of self-reflection is a critical step in understanding your psychological make-up and to perhaps avoid the experience again. Entering counseling, talking to a trusted friend, or conducting your own soul searching are ways to truly connect with your deepest inner self and help you transition.

Positive Attribute #4: Your mood will fluctuate, but on your terms

Mood management is very hard for some and especially challenging if you are leaving a situation in which your mood was subject to the mood of another person. After a divorce, your mood may fluctuate – but at least it will be your mood yours to control, and yours only.

Positive Attribute #5: Self confidence

Divorce can be complicated, messy, and very emotionally taxing. Once you survive the transition, you will feel alive with the confidence that you made a decision to better your life. This esteem will lead to a sense of empowerment and deep self-knowledge that you are in control your happiness.

--Erika Boissiere, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in couples, relationships and marriage therapy. She is the founder of The Relationship Institute of San Francisco, http://www.trisf.com


photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

Can a Divorce Team Save You Money?

You made the very serious personal decision to terminate your marriage. This decision necessarily takes you to the procedure known as divorce (AKA Dissoluiton of Marriage in the Court).

You found yourself an attorney who discusses the different processes with you that can be used to divide assets and debts, set a child sharing plan, and set support. You say, “We don’t want to go to court – we just want to settle.”

The Collaborative Family Law model provides the most complete and efficient process to meet your goal. The hallmarks of the Collaborative Law divorce process are an agreement from everyone at the outset to exclude all court proceedings, and engage the services of various professionals, known as “the team” to assist in the resolution of all issues.

Why is a “team” needed? Why do we need a team just to get a divorce? If you don’t have any assets, income or children, then you don’t need a team and you can stop reading. If you do have any of these, I encourage you to continue.

ALL parties in a divorce in California no matter what process is used are mandated by law to exchange Preliminary Declarations of Disclosure. It means each side must provide in writing to the other a disclosure of all assets and debts. There is considerable debate regarding the extent and specificity required, but the goal of the law of disclosure is to adequately inform both sides before decisions are made regarding dividing assets and liabilities.

The main advantage to having one neutral financial person as part of a Collaborative team is that you deal with just one individual working to provide fair and accurate information to both parties in a divorce. Both parties provide financial information to the single financial expert. He or she verifies and organizes it, and reports the information in an understandable form to both parties and their counsel. Everyone is on the same page.

In comparison, in many “litigated” cases, a joint expert is not retained at the outset of a case, and after a great deal of increased animosity, distrust and anxiety, not to mention expense, the parties either reach the point of a joint expert or continue to battle each other with their own expensive experts – two instead of one.

Many times even the most sophisticated party in a divorce may be surprised to learn some information in the exchange. For example, husbands and wives can be wrong about how title is held on a property, whether something is community property or not, or the true value of a given asset. Clear, organized information such as this is essential to the parties in a divorce to reach reasonable and informed solutions.

The independent financial specialist also assists in determining the true income of both parties and the relative expenses for separate households going forward. Compensation packages for W-2 earners as well as the self employed have become increasingly complex with the proliferation of compensation such as Restricted Stock/Units, Performance Restricted Stock, Stock Options, claw back provisions, insider trading rules, irregular bonus payouts, profit distributions, 401K and profit sharing plans. Employment benefits can impact both asset division as well as ongoing income available for support. Self employed individuals often have unrealistic opinions of their worth or income.

The parties and their respective counsel need accurate, efficient documents and information in order to adequately educate and advise the parties as to the best solution and informed decisions for their particular case.

Even more important than the financial considerations in a divorce is the attention needed to preserve the best interest of the children. A child specialist can be the most valuable person on the Collaborative team.

First, the children need to be assured early and often that the separation of the parents is not the fault of the child. The child may be in need of therapy that neither parent is able to recognize or facilitate because of his or her own emotional upheaval. The child needs a neutral place to discuss his or her input and even vent, without fear of recrimination from a parent. Children of different ages have different needs and concerns.

All of this can be discussed with the parents and the child specialist in a safe and calm situation in order to reach a suitable, workable family child sharing plan. Every mental health expert agrees that continued animosity and conflict between the parents in divorce renders harm to the children from which they never recover. The Collaborative team, with the help of the child specialist, has the best chance of avoiding this tragedy.

If parents are unable to agree regarding the sharing of the children in a litigated divorce case in court, the family frequently undergoes a costly custody evaluation process and may have their own “expert” to review the work of the expert conducting the evaluation. Once again, you have the potential for three experts instead of one, as well as counselors and therapists, coming in at a much later stage of the proceedings after further polarization of the parties and damage to the children. The structure of the Collaborative team and process can “put everyone in the same room” from the beginning of the process.

Equally important to the team are the coaches for each of the adults. Divorce is one of the most emotional processes a person can go through in a lifetime. Everyone can use assistance from time to time for insight and balance while dealing with the inevitable feelings of loss, uncertainty, fear, anger and overall anxiety. Your attorney is not a psychologist. It is the duty of the attorney to maintain as much objectivity as possible in order to advise the client in the decision making process, and the individual coaches are a tremendous assistance in facilitating the parties to reach resolution.

With a professional Collaborative team in place from the outset of a divorce, you will be provided information, organization, support, advice and assistance for the entire family in the transition process for the best possible solutions. Otherwise, you may end up with a team or two anyway, but in a courtroom instead of a conference.

 

Win Heiskala is a family law attorney in San Diego. She graciously allowed CPM to repint her blog piece, and can be contacted at http://www.blsapc.com/ 

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

Why I Won’t Settle Disputes in Court

In the midst of parental separation feelings run high. If there are complicating factors such as violence, abuse and infidelity, those feelings typically run even higher. To add, if the decision to separate is more one-sided than mutual, the person being left can feel a sense of bewilderment if not abandonment. This too adds to the mix of bad feelings.

Parents in these circumstances are typically in a terrible place emotionally for determining the best parenting arrangement for their children. Knowingly or unknowingly, the children can become the battleground over which the parental score is settled.

As the parents unwittingly settle their score through the children, think one parent isn’t deserving of a relationship with the kids or think one cannot parent or will provide a negative influence and then seek to limit one’s relationship or time with them, the fight is on. The issues of the relationship which led to the separation worsen, further exposing the children to parental conflict. At the end of the day, parental conflict alone is the best predictor in terms of the outcome for children of separated parents. The greater the conflict the worse the outcome.

In a bid to win the day and determine an outcome, parents may turn to the court. In so doing each parent must convince the court that the other is the scoundrel. Each parent, reasonably defensive, must up their claim against the other to countermand the others claims. The court, thought of as an instrument for settling disputes and restoring peace becomes the very structure that creates further instability, chaos and hardening of bad feelings. Pity the children as the conflict inevitably intensifies.

Consider the following:

  • Court action to resolve family disputes typically inflames the conflict underlying parental disputes. Known as iatrogenic effects, this refers to the negative unintended consequences of a well intentioned act. In short, Court produces many iatrogenic effects where the unintended harm to parents and children is at times far worse than the benefit from the well intentioned outcome. Court decisions do not end conflict;
  • Family law lawyers with an emphasis on litigation, although likely well intentioned, are inherently in a conflict-of-interest as their income hinges on your degree of conflict. Generally, the greater your conflict, the greater their income. There is a lower risk for conflict-of-interest with settlement focused family law lawyers particularly those who do not practice litigation. If you use a family law lawyer, choose wisely and retain control of your case;
  • Those settlements reached between the parents themselves tend to last longer and are better followed than those outcomes imposed by a judge or arbitrator;
  • Less than 5% of all family court disputes go to trial, meaning almost all matters are settled along the way by alternative dispute resolution strategies. Given statistically your matter will likely settle in a process other than court, you may be better off to begin with that process from the start and if you have already started a court process, you can seek to divert it at anytime;
  • If you obtain a custody evaluation and go to trial, 80% of the time the Judge will order what has been recommended. In the remaining 20% of the time, it is not that the judge will reverse the recommendation of the assessor as that is a rare event; it is that the judge may make some modifications to the recommendations while keeping the intent intact. In other words, custody evaluations are quite determinative of the outcome of parenting disputes whether you like the evaluation or not. If you have an evaluation you don’t like, think twice about fighting that in court in lieu of negotiating your own final parenting plan with or without assistance – but likely with assistance;

The single best predictor in terms of the long term outcome for children of separated parents is the duration and intensity of ongoing conflict to which the children are exposed or privy. Court is not aimed at reducing conflict what-so-ever. Court is only aimed at making decisions which at times makes relationships and conflict worse;

Children are typically better served by parents willing to participate in dispute resolution processes that do not involve court and are clinically focused as opposed to legally (rights) focused;

Parenting conflicts are not legal matters. Parenting conflicts are reflections of personal and interpersonal problems which require personal and interpersonal solutions. While judges and lawyers are experts at law, they are not typically experts at parenting conflicts, child development, mental health, drug and/or alcohol concerns or domestic violence. Seek the expert with the appropriate expertise;

Court may only be really necessary to keep people safe from harm in the event of truly dangerous or abusive behavior or in situations where a parent is truly undermining a child’s relationship with the other parent with no hope of change. Not liking the other parent, having different values or preferences and challenges in communication are not addressed in court processes;

Concern about mental health, behavior and even drug/alcohol problems can be addressed in settlement focused clinical services outside of court.

In view of the above and with a desire to act in the best interest of children, seek services that are provided with a view to facilitating settlement. Approaches to facilitating co-parenting should have a clinical focus, meaning they are directed to the well being of the children through helping parents address issues that can lead to settlement. Children’s needs remain paramount. After all, we all want our children to grow up well.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW is a Social Worker and Collaborative professional in Ontario, Canada

www.yoursocialworker.coma href="http://www.yoursocialworker.com/">

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

Three Ways to Increase the Odds Your Divorce Process Will Feel Successful

Divorce is a painful time no matter whether you are the one to initiate the process or you are the one who is reluctantly dragged through the process.  You and your spouse together have the choice of how to go about ending your marriage and moving into a better space.  The following are three ways to feel you have control of the process and its outcome.

  1. Educate yourselves about your divorce process options.  One way to do that is to attend a Divorce Options Workshop put on monthly by Collaborative Practice groups in counties around the state.  Then decide which option will work best for you and your spouse.
  2. Interview attorneys and other professionals whom you expect to have help you make agreements for the finances and your children's care.  Ask about their commitment to out-of-court processes, such as Collaborative Practice, where the ultimate goal is to reach agreements that you can each honor.  No matter the process you choose, look for professionals who are qualified members of a Collaborative Practice group.  They have most likely committed to practice standards and ongoing training.  These professionals are also the most likely to follow a shared model for Collaborative representation and to have made the effort to become trained as effective Collaborative professionals.  Research has shown that one of the best predictors of a good divorce process and outcome is the selection by divorcing spouses of two attorneys who respect one another and have a good track record of settling cases together and working together effectively to help clients reach creative, respectful solutions.
  3. Do everything in your power to reduce conflict between you and your spouse.  Enlist a neutral financial professional to gather your financial information and supporting documentation, provide the results in understandable formats, educate both of you as needed on the finances, and help you understand the financial and tax consequences of your ideas for settlement.  Enlist divorce coaches to help you create a parenting plan that will carry you through the different stages of your children's development.  Divorce coaches can also help you deal specifically with the emotions connected to the divorce process and provide effective communication tools.  For more help, one or both of you might seek relief from your pain and disappointment from a licensed mental health professional.  If you select the Collaborative Divorce process, tell your friends and family that you know they love you and want the best for you and that you are getting the information and advice you need to sit down and have the difficult conversations with your spouse so that you can to create a good life for yourself.   This will empower you and make you feel successful.
Judith F. Sterling is a CPA, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, and Collaborative Financial Specialist practicing in Sonoma and Marin Counties.  

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.


How Can I Control the Costs of My Divorce?

Once the difficult decision has been made to get divorced, the next biggest concern is usually how much it will cost.  As you may already be reeling from the emotional costs of the loss of your marriage, the added stress and anxiety associated with the potential or real loss of financial stability may be close behind. Here are a few considerations to keep in mind as you navigate your divorce that directly impact the cost of your divorce.

  1. Mitigate Conflict. This is the first and most important way to keep your divorce costs down. While there has most likely been conflict in your marriage leading you to divorce, do your best to manage your emotions outside of the negotiation. A Divorce Coach can be instrumental in helping you navigate the emotional minefield of divorce and guide you to a safer space from which you can make better decisions for yourself. There is a direct correlation between agreement and divorce costs.
  2. Consider Alternative Dispute Resolution Models such as Mediation or Collaborative Divorce. Litigation, being the highest conflict process, is typically also the most expensive.
  3. Don’t be afraid to use Specialists. Their fees are generally lower than attorney fees, and each professional can do what he or she does best. Remember your Attorney specializes in the law. CDFA’s specialize in financial matters, and a Divorce Coach can help you communicate effectively in your negotiation, while managing your emotions.  Child Specialists can help you and your spouse get on the same page to make decisions involving the children. 
  4. Try to keep an open mind. Remember that your idea of “Fair” may not be the same as your spouse. If you are anchored to a particular outcome, it may take longer to come to a resolution, therefore more expensive. Time is Money.
  5. Understand your attorney’s billable hour and use their time wisely. A few phone calls can add up quickly. Email as much as possible to communicate with your attorney. This allows them to answer your questions when they are not distracted by other issues, minimizing their down time and your bill.
  6. Financial preparation is critical. A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst can help you gather and organize your assets and debts as well as your income and expenses. Accurate information expedites the process reducing costs. Again, in the Litigation model, formal discovery such as subpoenas and depositions are often the most lengthy and costly parts of a divorce.
  7. Remember the law of diminishing returns. Sometimes it just isn’t worth spending thousands of dollars in fees fighting over something small. Make sure the Benefit is worth the Cost.
  8. Finally, Mind your credit. Retail therapy is common after divorce. Don’t do it. If you have to, you should avoid putting charges on credit and make sure you pay all of your bills on time. You will need a good credit score to start fresh after the divorce.

Susannah Malek is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) in San Rafael. 

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

How Can a Divorce Coach Help You in Your Divorce?

A divorce coach works with you to safeguard the process of divorce, centered on minimizing the emotional trauma for you, your spouse and your children.  You might talk about painful feelings with your coach, but this isn’t therapy.  Your divorce coach will guide you through the process with the goals of minimizing conflict and building respect and trust as you navigate your divorce.

Your divorce coach will help you recognize and manage your and your spouse’s personal “faultlines,”  while providing a neutral buffer to calm, protect, and support you both.   An emotional “faultline” is where you may feel shaky or where you feel most hurt.  While it is normal to feel grief, guilt, anger, helplessness, or confusion,  when faultlines are triggered, you can’t take in information or make thoughtful decisions.   In private meetings, your coach will help you identify the faultlines that will be triggered, and develop a plan about how to handle the surge of emotions when you are in divorce meetings.  Unlike therapy, where you might unpack your “faultlines”,  coaching will give you the tools and resources to help you manage them during the course of your divorce.

Faultlines might include betrayals in the marriage, or conflicts about money or the children.  When discussing financial settlements or parenting plans, these faultlines can trigger a cascade of unhelpful emotions.  Your coach will help you develop strategies for managing your own faultlines, and respecting those of your spouse as well.

Your divorce coach will help you translate your emotions into being able to articulate what matters to you most.  Your coach will help you indentify your goals, needs and interests, without becoming adversarial or positional.  With the coaching, you will be able to voice these needs and interests in a more neutral way, without tripping your own or your spouse’s faultlines.  Your coach can also help you restructure your relationship with your spouse, so that you can co-parent with trust, honesty and respect.  Unlike in therapy, a coach will help you restructure your future role with your “ex” without “working through” all of the feelings you may experience in your divorce.

Your divorce coach could actually decrease the cost of the divorce.  In your divorce process, conflict and arguments in attorney meetings are not only hurtful, and pointless: they drag out the process and are expensive!  Your divorce coach will help you look at the process as a problem-solving effort, without pulling in the faultline issues, so that you can make rational decisions for yourself and your family.  As your coach helps you separate your emotional faultlines from what is most important to you, you will gain control over moving toward your new life, and the goals that you envision.

When you are flooded with intense feelings, this biologically limits your brain’s capacity to deal with the enormity of the divorce process.  Divorce coaching helps you maintain your integrity and dignity during a painful and stormy transition in your life.  As your coach helps  you and your spouse learn to communicate in new ways, you are able to keep your family’s wellbeing in focus, make the most well-thought-through decisions together, and begin to heal yourself. 

Avvy Mar, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist practicing in San Francisco and Marin County.

http://www.collaborativepracticemarin.org/members/mar

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

Family Events in Separating and Divorcing Families—Possible Islands of Connection

As spring arrives, you will be thinking about the many family occasions, holidays and events that need to be planned.   Easter/Passover celebrations, graduations, weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs and birthdays fill your calendar.  However, if you have recently separated, this year is not like other years.  Notice how you are feeling as you read this – is there a pit in your stomach, an ache in your heart, a clenched jaw in reaction to your feelings about the changes in your family?  Perhaps your children’s faces come to mind, as you recall the past events that were fun and easy.  Perhaps you are recalling how you have imagined these family events would unfold?

Many other families have lived through these difficult moments.  We have learned from the many families before you who have approached these changes and reported on how they turned out.  The good news is that with careful planning, parents can craft these events so that they can be at least ‘doable’ for your children and yourselves, or even better.

Consider a specific event coming up, for example, a high school graduation of one of your children.  There may have been older siblings who have graduated, and the whole family has a memory of the events and how the family celebrated this important moment in the graduate’s life.  It is very important now to imagine how you want this experience to be for your son or daughter now, when you and your spouse have separated.  Do you imagine it being warm, easy and focused on this important milestone and your child’s accomplishment?  Do you visualize building memories of shared meals, taking pictures of your cap and gown clad child with proud siblings and family?

It is possible to keep your intention as your guide in planning this day and event, even though it is different from “last time” or from what you had previously imagined.  It is possible to hold on to your best intentions even while you may feel sad or angry or disappointed.  Separations and divorces create feelings of grief about what has been lost or changed.  The feelings are normal.  And yet you know that these important moments in a family’s life are powerful and will be remembered.  So can you rise above your own emotions to create the day you want for your child?

You and your spouse can work together with your coaches to plan these events to be as positive as possible.  It may take some work to sort through which birthday or holiday traditions can be kept or changed, and whether new ones can be created.  You can do your best to be both flexible and realistic about what you can tolerate emotionally.  For example, one caring parent realized that sharing eight hours with her spouse at Christmas was too difficult, but two hours of opening presents and sharing the traditional breakfast would have been possible.

Your children will have their own feelings and wishes.  They may say or act as if “things are the same,” expecting hugs and kisses between you and your spouse, and lots of pictures together as if it were the “old days.”    Ask your kids which parts of the holiday or family traditions are most important.  Let them know compassionately that you know things are different this year.  Let them know what is the same and what will be different. 

If this is the first year after a separation you might think about it as, “this year let’s try….. to make it easier.”  This takes the pressure off the parents and children to “know” how things will be next year.  Let your kids know you’ll be planning with the other parent and get back to them with some plans.  Most children I have talked to mostly want their parents not to fight and have the divorce dominate the event.

After checking in with the kids, let them know how you and your spouse would like to plan the event.   It helps to emphasize that you both are committed to having a successful and comfortable event.  If it is one child’s event (i.e., a performance, graduation, or bar/bat mitzvah), let your child know that this is their day, and that the focus will be on their accomplishment, not on the divorce.  Reassure them that they don’t need to worry about you.

Working with your Collaborative team on planning successful family events can help stabilize things for your children and build trust between you and your spouse for the many post-divorce family events yet to come.  The care, planning and thought that you put into making successful family events will help you begin to create new, different, and happy traditions that will build new, positive memories.

Elizabeth Salin, MFT, is a divorce coach and psychotherapist in San Rafael.

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

The Real Difference Between Understanding and Agreement

People often ask how the Collaborative team is able to support divorcing couples to work through their conflict.  As a divorce coach, working with trained collaborative attorneys and other professionals, I believe that one of the keys is helping people understand the power of understanding (and often empathy), as an alternative to the power of coercion.

It’s hard to come to a divorce conversation, with attorneys at the table, and listen to your spouse with whom you disagree.  How easy it is to become defensive, how tempting to criticize, or simply ignore what your spouse is saying.  You may fear that if you understand your spouse, your own position will be weakened, or your own sense of the strength of your own view will be diminished. 

So we work to help you make the distinction between understanding and agreeing.  We often say you can understand someone fully without having to accept the validity of anything that they are saying.  You don’t need to agree with the other, but you can understand what he or she is saying to you.  This actually is a giant and liberating step forward to be able to move through a disagreement.  It runs counter to the way in which we generally think about our conflicts.  It can feel like a big shift to recognize that two views can simultaneously exist, and that they do not cancel each other out.  Instead there is the possibility of an expansion of understanding, especially if both of you are willing to do this for each other.  And that mutual understanding paves the way for a respectful dialog about the decisions that you will be making during your divorce.

This sounds simple, but it really isn’t.  It takes a strong intention, and the commitment to the effort.  When you really step into someone else’s shoes, you may feel quite vulnerable, especially if you are in conflict.   When you are able to express and demonstrate to your spouse that you understand their view (even if you don’t agree with it), you may feel even more vulnerable.  It can feel like the act of understanding and the demonstration of that understanding to your spouse is risking giving up your position or that it might result in your spouse believing that even though you haven’t said it, that you agree he or she is right.

Another problem is that we believe that our own view is so accurate that if your spouse were to actually understand it, that it would be inevitable that she or he will conclude that their own view is wrong.  “If the other person just really heard and understood me, of course they would agree with me.”  It is hard to accept that a different perspective doesn’t necessarily mean that you are wrong.  This black and white thinking causes conversations to fall into a win-lose battle. 

So let’s imagine that you and your spouse commit to listen for understanding, not necessarily agreement.  It can be disappointing to feel that your spouse now has conveyed his understanding, but has not taken the obvious next step to surrender his or her view or agree that you are right.  Right and wrong has a huge hold over all of us, especially when we are in a conflict.  Holding two conflicting views simultaneously is not only intellectually challenging, but emotionally is even harder because we are so conditioned to believe that there is one right and one wrong in almost every conflict. 

So how do we help?  We know that it takes courage for you to authentically attempt to listen carefully in a new way, to step into your spouse’s shoes to understand, and to express your understanding without necessarily agreeing.  We know it also takes strength to listen to your spouse’s understanding of what you may say, without assuming that he or she is now convinced that you are right, and he is wrong.  We appreciate how hard it is to make this effort without knowing where it will lead.  We may encourage you to push beyond your comfort zone, but we respect your ability to know what is possible for you.  If you have been someone who always gives in, or accommodates, we will encourage you to strengthen your voice to speak your truth.  At the same time, we will honor the realities of both you and your spouse to keep the lines of communication open.  We may help you explore your version of “The Truth” as well as your spouse’s.  Our goal is to keep the process moving forward in a balanced way, to reach your agreements with mutual understanding.  Imagine, when your divorce is over, being able to understand your former spouse’s perspective, without feeling that you have to give up your own.  This is one step toward a healing in your post-divorce relationship that will pay dividends for years to come.

Collaboratively written by Ann Buscho,  Catherine Conner, and Gary Friedman

Dark Feelings During Your Divorce

Grief and Sorrow

Being sad when a marriage ends is natural. Although it’s painful, grief is a healthy emotional response to loss of an important relationship. We are hard-wired to feel it and it wouldn’t be reasonable to expect otherwise. While sorrow and grief can be very hard to handle, most people do understand and accept the inevitability of these feelings.

Research, theoretical writings, and our professional experience with thousands of couples during divorces all confirm that though the emotional impact of a divorce is as severe as that of a death in the immediate family, the grief and recovery process does have a beginning, middle, and end. Though they may seem endless, the pain and confusion surrounding separation and divorce do gradually lighten, and finally go away—for most people over a period of eighteen months to three or four years following the marital separation, though recovery  can be quicker or slower.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, pioneer in the hospice movement, first described the stages of grieving and recovering from a major trauma like death or divorce:

  • Denial— “This is not happening to me. It’s all a misunderstanding. It’s just a midlife crisis. We can work it out. ”
  • Anger and Resentment—“How can he (she) do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this? This is not fair!”
  • Bargaining— “If you’ll stay, I’ll change” or, “If I agree to do it (money, childrearing, sex, whatever) your way, can we get back together?”
  • Depression— “This is really happening, I can’t do anything about it, and I don’t think I can bear it.”
  • Acceptance— “OK, this is how it is, and I’d rather accept it and move on than wallow in the past.”

Understanding these stages can be very helpful when it comes to talking about divorce and decision making.  It’s important to know that when you are in these early stages of this grief and recovery process, it can be challenging  to think clearly or to make decisions at all, much less to make them well. Identifying your present stage of grief and being aware of it is an important step toward ensuring that you make the best choices you can.

Guilt and Shame

Experiencing guilt and shame is also a normal reaction to the end of a marriage. These feelings arise when we feel a sense of failure—of not having fulfilled our own or our community’s expectations. In the case of divorce, people often feel guilt and/or shame because they have failed to stay married for life. That’s partly a matter of personal expectations—not fulfilling the promises made to a spouse—and also partly a matter of not fulfilling what our culture seems to expect from us. If our culture’s expectations about marriage and divorce are reasonable—if they fit well with how people actually behave in that culture—and we don’t measure up, then the guilt and shame felt at the time of divorce may be appropriate. If the culture’s expectations don’t match well with the reality of marriage and divorce as people actually live it, then the guilt and shame can be much more problematic—difficult to see clearly, difficult to acknowledge, difficult to manage in a divorce. In addition, in some marriages one or both partners have engaged in extremes of betrayal, deceit, or even criminal behavior that almost always involve feelings of guilt and shame.

For many people guilt and shame can be so painful that they change very quickly into other more tolerable feelings such as anger or depression—often without the person even knowing that the guilt and shame are there. This is why it is so common in divorce for each partner to blame the other, and why it can be so difficult for divorcing partners to accept responsibility for their own part in a failed marriage.

Very few divorcing people find it easy to see or accept their own feelings of guilt and shame. These powerfully negative feelings often remain under the radar, hidden and invisible, where they can do the most harm. Strong feelings of guilt or shame can make it difficult or impossible to take in more balanced information, to maintain perspective, and to consider realistically your best alternatives for how to resolve problems.

Guilt can cause spouses to feel they have no right to ask for what they need in a divorce, causing them to negotiate unbalanced, unrealistic settlements they later regret. Family lawyers have a saying that “guilt has a short half-life,” and because guilt is such an uncomfortable feeling, it can easily transform into anger.  People who have negotiated guilt-driven agreements often have second thoughts and go back to court to try to set aside imprudent settlements.

Similarly, shame often transforms into blame, anger or rage directed at the spouse. Bitter fights over children or property can be propelled by feelings like these, because modern divorces seldom brand either partner as Snow White or Hitler, Prince Charming or the Wicked Witch, and therefore the anger, which needs to go somewhere, goes toward fights over matters that courts are permitted to make orders about.

A full collaborative divorce team includes not just lawyers but also two licensed mental health professionals acting as coaches, whose job includes helping you and your spouse become more aware of how grief, shame, and other strong emotions may be playing an unwanted role in your divorce process.  They can also help you address those  feelings in constructive ways that leave you much more clear-thinking as you negotiate long-term divorce settlement terms.

Pauline H. Tesler, J.D., CFLS, is a collaborative divorce lawyer practicing in Marin and San Francisco.

[This post is excerpted and adapted from Chapter One of Collaborative Divorce: The Revolutionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues, and Move on with Your Life, by Pauline H. Tesler, J.D., and Peggy Thompson, Ph.D.]

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

How to Tell Your Kids About Your Upcoming Divorce or Separation

Once you are certain that you and your spouse will be separating or divorcing, it is critical to think about how, and when, to talk to your children.  Children may remember this conversation very vividly, and these guidelines will help you prepare yourselves to demonstrate that – as a family – you’re going to meet their needs and answer their questions. 

1.    Work with your spouse to plan what you will say.

For the sake of your children, put aside the hurt and anger you may be feeling, so that you can make decisions together about the details you’ll need to tell your children. If it’s extremely difficult to speak with one another, consider using the services of a mediator or counselor, or invite someone you both trust to help you work out the details.

2.   Talk to your children together.

This lets your kids know that you’re both able to work together for their benefit. It’s important that each child hear this news together, and directly from mom and dad; not from the sibling who heard it first. So if your kids are different ages, plan to share the basic information at the initial gathering, and follow-up with the older children during a separate conversation.  If you can’t do it together because you are concerned about safety or conflict, then seek help in developing your plan.

3.   Develop a non-blaming narrative.

If you are calm when you tell your children, they will have less anxiety and are more likely to anticipate that they will be ok.  Avoid the temptation  to assign blame or say whose “fault” this is. To the extent that you can, try to incorporate the word “we” when you’re explaining the decisions that have been made.  You may feel that you want your children to know the “truth” but if this will cause your children to feel caught in a loyalty bind, it isn’t healthy for them.  The “truth” is less important than providing the support and reassurance that your children need.

4. Provide a General Reason for What is Happening.

It is not important, or even appropriate, that you provide specific details about why you are planning a divorce. However, your kids will want to know why this is happening. Older children will recognize that this is a huge life change, and they will weigh that change against the reason you give them. So while you don’t want to share details of a personal nature, be prepared to give some type of general explanation without blame.

5. Provide Specific Details About the Changes Your Kids Can Expect.

Your kids will want to know where they’re going to live, with whom, and what about their lives is going to change. You can help your children to be prepared for these changes by being honest about what you know, and what you don’t know.  Reassure them about the things that will stay the same: their school, or friends, or sports or other activities.

6. Provide Specific Details About the Parent Who is Leaving the Home.

The more you can tell your kids about where the departing parent will be living and when they will be seeing him or her, the better. They’ll need to know, right away, that they will be able to maintain a quality relationship with this parent, even though they won’t be living under the same roof.  If they will be living in two homes, give them some time to establish a comfortable space at the new home. 

7. Reassure the Children of Your Unconditional Love.

Your children will need lots of reassurance that the divorce is not their fault. Specifically tell them that nothing they did could have caused - nor prevented - what is happening. In addition, make sure both parents collectively and individually convey their unconditional love through words and actions. Avoid making long-range promises about an uncertain future. Instead, stick with the assurances you can make for the present time and be generous in sharing your hugs and affection.  It is fine for the children to see you upset or cry, and it is important to reassure them that everyone in the family will adjust to the changes and heal.

8. Be Sensitive to How the Kids React to This News.

What you’re telling them may be completely unexpected, and will most assuredly change their lives. Try to be as understanding of no reaction – which is a reaction – as you would be if the children were in tears or extremely angry. Your children may not know how to express their intense emotions appropriately, and it may be some time before they can articulate their feelings.

9. Welcome Their Questions.

Most likely, the children will have many questions. To the extent that you can, be honest and clear in your responses. If you don’t know the answer to a question, tell them that.  Reassure them that as you and your spouse figure things out, that you will inform the children.  Also, realize that this conversation will unfold in many parts. After you’ve told the children about the divorce or separation, expect to revisit the topic many times as new questions and concerns arise.

10. Give Them Time to Adjust to the News.

It will take time for your children to adjust to this news. It is a huge change, and while you may be confident in the hopeful future you envision for them, it will take some time for them to see that future play out. In the meantime, be patient with their needs and make the effort to be a steady presence in their lives.

--adapted from various sources by Ann Buscho, Ph.D., a divorce coach and psychologist in San Rafael, CA.

For more information, click here to read “What Should We Tell the Children?” by Joan Kelly, Ph.D.  http://tiny.cc/1f9iax

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.

Divorce as Temporary "Diminished Capacity"

You don’t need to be a lawyer or a psychologist to know that going through a divorce is one of life’s roughest passages. It can cause a myriad of emotional responses that can at times feel overwhelming and limit your ability to think clearly or make good choices. Unfortunately, this occurs at the very time you are called upon to make some of the most important decisions of your life.

For many people, the ending of a marriage is a time of temporary “diminished capacity.” By diminished capacity, we mean a period during which the person you thought you were on your best days—competent, thoughtful, considerate, reasonable, fair-minded, resilient—disappears for days or weeks at a time. The person you generally know yourself to be gets replaced temporarily by an unfamiliar and frightening self who can hardly summon up enough energy to get out of bed, wallows in fear, confusion or anger, or jumps to hasty conclusions in order to end the conflicting impulses about what to do and how to behave.

Recovering from the shock of a failed marriage involves moving through that initial period of diminished capacity, until gradually, more and more of the time, your pre-divorce “best-self” is back at the helm. Most people can expect to feel something like their old, pre-divorce selves in eighteen to twenty-four months from the time of the divorce decree, though it happens more quickly for some and more slowly for many. During that recovery period, it is quite common for people to veer suddenly and dramatically from day to day, or even hour to hour, between optimism and darkest pessimism, between cooperative good humor and frightening rage.

You may be experiencing such intense emotions as you come to terms with the possible—or actual—ending of your marriage. Most people do, at least some of the time. Keeping the focus on best intentions and good decision making in light of that reality is what collaborative divorce is all about.   

Thinking clearly about what kind of divorce you want and how you’ll get there may be an unfamiliar concept to you. Most people are surprised to learn that the choices made right at the start of the divorce process have great impact on what kind of a divorce experience they will have. Even when people do understand the high stakes of those early choices, thinking clearly and making intelligent choices at that time can be very challenging, because divorce is an emotional wild ride like no other. Even very reasonable and civilized people can find unexpected, hard-to-manage emotions popping up at the most inconvenient times, particularly during the early months of a separation and divorce—exactly the time when you will be making decisions that determine what kind of divorce you are likely to get, and how your divorce will affect the rest of your life.

When you choose collaborative divorce, a team of professional helpers from the fields of law, psychology, and finance will provide coordinated support and guidance to help you and your partner slow down, reflect, focus on values, aspire to high goals, make good choices, work together constructively while avoiding court, plan for the future, and reach deep resolution. In our experience, this kind of coordinated professional help isn’t available anywhere else but in collaborative divorce. If you choose it, you and your spouse can count on professional advice and counsel that will:

  • encourage both of you to remember your goal: the best divorce the two of you are capable of achieving
  • educate and remind you about the divorce grief and recovery process so that you can choose to operate from your hopes rather than your fears
  • help you focus on the future rather than the past, and on your deepest personal values and goals for the future rather than what the local judge is permitted to order
  • make it possible for your financial advice to come from a financial expert, and your parenting advice to come from a child specialist, so that your lawyer is freed to do what lawyers do best: help you reach well-considered resolution
  • keep you and your spouse focused on how your children are really doing, and how the two of you can help them move through the divorce with the least possible pain and “collateral damage”
  • teach both of you new understanding and skills that will help you be more effective co-parents after the divorce than you may be capable of right now as your marriage ends
  • make sure you and your spouse have all the information you’ll need to make wise decisions—not just information about the law, but also about finance, child development, grief and recovery, family systems, negotiating techniques, and anything else that will help you devise creative lasting solutions
  • emphasize consensus and real resolution, not horse-trading and quick fixes
  • help you maintain maximum privacy, creativity, and self-determination in your divorce.

Divorce is never easy, but making the collaborative choice helps you to move through a challenging life passage with dignity, intelligence, and respect.

[Excerpted and adapted from Introduction and Chapter One of Collaborative Divorce: The Revolutionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues, and Move on with Your Life, by Pauline H. Tesler, J.D., and Peggy Thompson, Ph.D.]

photo credit: Ann Buscho, Ph.D.


Blog Post Editorial Criteria

 

Recent Posts


Tags


Archive

About Collaborative Practice Marin

CPM is a community of legal, mental health and financial professionals working together to create client-centered processes for resolving conflict.  We are located in Marin County, California. 

Why Collaborative Divorce?

“Divorce is never easy but the collaborative process made mine bearable.  I had more control and therefore less stress and anxiety because I had an active role.”

~JF

Newsletter Signup